Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
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I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Florida be like…
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.