Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
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Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
☺️
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
PARKOUR
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.