Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
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I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.