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WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers