15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
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Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…