[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
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My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.