You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
You Might Also Like
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Spell check is for lasers.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*