In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
You Might Also Like
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.