H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.