Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
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I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
being a writer on Twitter:
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.