After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
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* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*