Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
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So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”