God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I have so many questions.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir