All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
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just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.