Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
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My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
LOL
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away