Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.