turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
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Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?