Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
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Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
I’m giving up for Lent.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.