Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
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“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”