That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
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Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
December birthdays be like…
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Not😆🤣
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.