I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
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I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after