It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
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me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
My work here is don’t.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work