BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
You Might Also Like
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Finally!
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral