“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
i was baptized in a car wash
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.