Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
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DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
*gets down on one knee*
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that