[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me :
All Day At Night
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.