“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
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landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child