Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
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I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
That’s it.I’m out.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.