There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that