Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
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[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
an airline just for babies.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol