Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
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[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Jesus steals the winter solstice
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed