Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
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To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you