ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
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“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go