Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
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I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
*puts words between two asterisks*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.