If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
You Might Also Like
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead