The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
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*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Name another movie that mislead you?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake