Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.