superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
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Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves