I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
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my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.