it’s finally my moment to shine
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM