Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
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getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Quadruple digit IQ
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…