Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often