Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
dutch is not a serious language
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Twitter fine art
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs