Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?