him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
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pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
This is the best one I’ve seen
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.