I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
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i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.