[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
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If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad