Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
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*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
How software testing works
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.