[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
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I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Breaking news:
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.