*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
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Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
cry laughing at this shit
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.